Hand in hand, drinking through straws, waving at our friends out on the lake.

We sit down in a porch swing, and you talk about the past.

And I silently wonder… What’s a few years to you? If 15 is a few, then the 2 i’m about to disappear for will amount to what, a few weeks?

I hope so. I don’t want to come back to you not loving me. It wouldn’t be fair.

Keep my mouth shut.

Never say a word about it.

Never say a word to it, at least not about that.

I would completely erase June ninth, two-thousand eight.

Forever.

Let it be gone.

I can stand, and look at myself in a mirror, and hate what I see… but have a little hope that you love it.

Three of you. I never thought, I, of all people, would have three guys on my line.

So why is it so hard to make a decision?

I can stand, and look at myself in a mirror, and hate what I see… but have a little hope that you love it.

Three of you. I never thought, I, of all people, would have three guys on my line.

So why is it so hard to make a decision?

I can stand, and look at myself in a mirror, and hate what I see… but have a little hope that you love it.

Three of you. I never thought, I, of all people, would have three guys on my line.

So why is it so hard to make a decision?

I can stand, and look at myself in a mirror, and hate what I see… but have a little hope that you love it.

Three of you. I never thought, I, of all people, would have three guys on my line.

So why is it so hard to make a decision?

Turn away, never to come back.

I am Tomas.

You are Teraza.

We have no Karenin.

With detached thoughts I remember the little things.

This morning, as she kept repeating that phrase you had uttered so long ago,

i wanted to strangle her

I wanted to beat her until she was black and blue, until her face was unrecognizable.

i wanted her to shut up

It never is.

Nothing is ever enough to fill a void left behind by the biggest heart the world had ever known.

Books and papers swirl in my mind, and I realize that I have gotten so caught up watching them dance, I forgot to watch you coreograph.

Sometimes I wonder…

If I dropped the hair dryer on the bathtub, would riding an electrica lcurrent wilder than any rollercoaster be enough?

Or am I simply being too capricious?

Is there anything wild enough?

Or am I trapped, a soul so lost that not even the most experienced shepard could bring me back?

Am I lost in the wilderness with no manna to supplement my weak human needs?

I hope not. I hope to see a glimmer of light, something to call me back, someone to hold me in their arms and say simply “it will be alright.”

And there is a picture of her.

And him.

She’s wearing a dress, he’s in a suit.

GOD DAMN YOU!

I HAVE NEVER FUCKING HATED ANYONE SO MUCH IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!

YOU ARE A LIAR, AND AN ASSHOLE, AND I’M SO FAR PAST “OVER” YOU, BUT HONESTLY, IT WOULD HELP IF YOU DIDN’T WHORE YOURSELF OUT AMONG MY FRIENDS.

i wish it had been you in that casket.

Flashes.

Of color.

Green, white, black.

Pass me by in their hurry.

Or in their lazy discontent with this place.

But does anyone see my flashes of color?

Green. Plaid. Brunnette. Brown eyes. Peach lip gloss and blush.

But who sees the purple and lime green of my personality?

The swirls of color.

The movie of my life that makes a horror flick look like a Disney movie.

The people that I love, but have so many problems with?

The woman, who gave birth to me.

Risked everything.

But I can’t cry grateful tears to her face.

Only when she can’t see me.

And thinks I don’t love her or respect her.

The man who gave me everything I didn’t have.

Then spent so much money to bring our whole family together.

The two boys who are the loves of my life.

Because they look like me, but are so different.

All three of us make these horrible mistakes to dissapoint those two so much.

But what do we ever say but, “oh well” and take them for granted?